The Thorn in my Flesh

One thing I love about Christmas-time, is coming home!  Since I’ve been out in Texas, home visits are far and few between.  So whenever I get to come home, I cherish the time I get to spend with my family.  Since I’m grown up now and on my own, I’m trying to go through old items and figuring out what I can give away.  The other day I was rummaging through old items and came across an old journal.  I always bought new journals, even when I didn’t finish writing in the ones I already had.  So I always find so many in my room; and it’s fun to read through and be reminded of my past experiences and how far I have come since then.  I don’t just write them as regular journal entries, I write them out as prayers to God.  One journal entry in particular stuck out to me; I had written it 3 ½ years ago, but know it was something I have struggled with probably since high school.  The feeling of never quite being “good enough.”  This has been a weakness of mine for as long as I can remember; and I would often use it as a lame excuse to not go after things.  I would always think in my head, “there is always going to be someone much better than me.”  And of course there is, but that is no reason to not go after things; but it has always been in the back of my mind.  Anyway, reading through that entry really hurt my heart.  Three and a half years (more, actually) later and I am still struggling with this.  Why had God not answered my prayers?  Was there something I was still doing wrong?  Was there something I needed to let go of?  It bothered me.

Today I had met up with LaDonna, an amazing woman of God I have been close with the last few years.  It helps me when I talk with another Christian about the things on my mind; I find God always brings me clarity and perspective to get other people’s opinions.  So we talked about different things, and I brought up this struggle of mine to her.  I explained how I’ve always struggled with not feeling “good enough.”  And she just looked at me and said, “Well of course you’re not supposed to feel good enough.”  She explained that none of us are supposed to ever feel good enough, that’s why when God uses us it’s all the more powerful.  All these years and I had never realized that; I was so desperate for God to deliver me from this feeling and never thought about Him choosing instead to work through my weakness.  Immediately, I remembered one of my favorite scriptures in 2 Corinthians.

⁷ And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. ⁸ Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. ⁹ And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (New King James Version)

Paul had a weakness and prayed three times for God to take away; and God said no!  He wanted to use his weaknesses!  How beautiful is that; because in our weaknesses, His power shines through.  If we know that we are good enough and can accomplish things on our own; what does that tell anyone?  It brings all the glory to us and becomes prideful; But when we are weak and God STILL uses us, it sends a message.  It proves to people that God is on our side; because there is no possible way we could have done this on our own.  So instead of praying for God to take away our weaknesses, we need to ask God to USE them for His glory.  What a beautiful revelation!

This was so big on my heart I had to come and share it.  I do not want my weaknesses and fears to keep me from all the big plans God has for me anymore.  There is a certain word that has been sticking out to me lately, “Fearless.”  I almost wanted to get a tattoo of it on my wrist just so I can always have a reminder to not be afraid; “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1:7 (ESV).  The other day I was out for after-Christmas shopping with my mom, and I saw this bracelet in Belk.  Right away, I knew God wanted me to have that.

So yes, this will be my word for 2012.  This will be perfect because I know it will be an exciting year for me;  God is calling me to be bold and step up in many areas of my life.  So I am excited!  Bring it on, God, I’m ready!

A New Chapter

It is currently 5:54 a.m., central time. What am I doing up this early? It is a long story. I just flew back in after a quick surprise visit with my family; I had an amazing time seeing everyone! Since I am up this early and there are only a limited number of things I can do, I thought I would write in here. Yep.

There are many new endeavors in my life right now, several of which I have yet to figure out. It is a new season, however; and I have once again been struggling with letting God have control. Typical, yes; but each day I am finding myself more and more under His shelter. Soooooo….what is going on in my life? I will tell you.

1. I AM AN AUNT!!

To the most adorable little nephew ever.  I mean really…is he not adorable?  His name is Sawyer, and he was born the day after my birthday (August 26).  And, well….I just love him!  So proud and happy for my sister Jana and her husband Travis.

2. I’M STILL IN TEXAS

Still in the Lone Star State.  I moved into a townhouse right outside of Dallas with two new roommates.  They are pretty awesome.  I am trying to summon my inner-decorator but it’s difficult because you need money to buy decorations, so…..

3.  I WENT TO A LOT OF PLACES THIS SUMMER

My favorite of which is the Grand Canyon.  I mean, it’s just so….grand….and beautiful.  If you need a reminder of how big God is and how little you are, you need to go.  San Francisco was really awesome, too.  I saw a sea lion, among other things.

4. I NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE

No, but seriously.  I do.  I have been through five years of school now, and it is time for me to step out into the world and begin my career.  God has finally stripped me of so many things and forced me to a place where I must decide what to do.  So decide, I must, and soon.  I am starting the journey to discovering my career…and I’m excited about it!  I know God has something for me, can’t wait to discover what it is!

The time is now 6:17 am.  So there you have it, folks.  Probably lots more I could write about, but at different times.  Promise to keep updating!  Much love!

<3B

God, I Look to You

This song has been stuck in my head and following me around lately.  Wanted to share it in on my blog!

 

Hello Again!

Hello, this blog has been on my mind off-and-on ever since I last posted.  I have had the intentions of starting to update it more frequently again, and so I promise to start doing that.  I thought this would be a great way to let my friends and family back home stay updated on what’s going on in my life!  So look back here for more and more updates, as they will start coming more often.  I promise.

 

<3Brett

Overwhelmed

Sometimes it’s just too much.  God’s love…mercy, grace, compassion, forgiveness, provision, is just all too much.  I just feel so undeserving of it all.  Even just to be a passing thought in His mind would be too much.  What does He see in me?  It just boggles my mind.  I just always struggle with not ever being enough; not being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, blah blah.  What if what I do just isn’t enough?  Why does He even bother with me?

The brokenness in this world, the hurt, pain, hopelessness, lost….that is all too much as well.  We always ask for God to break our hearts for the things that break His, but I just don’t believe our hearts can handle the true brokenness that God feels everyday.  The little bit of burden He reveals to me is too much for my heart to handle.  I think He gives us just enough to light a fire under our butts and realize that there is so much more we can be doing and saying.  There’s always so much more.

I know all the Sunday School answers…God loves me and made me and no matter what He will never leave.  But just really thinking about that is so crazy.

I feel like lately I’ve become very rough around the edges.  Like…instead of this nice pretty packaged version of me I’ve had all my life…now I’ve just become raw.  But I do feel like if people want to hear what I think I will tell them but I have never been one to force myself on people.  I think God is like that…He is a gentleman.  He never forces Himself on anyone, but He always stands there trying to do little things here and there for people who ignore Him.  Still trying to help out a world that refuses to acknowledge His existence.  He is like a parent who warns us, but still allows us to make our own choices even though we will eventually see He was right all along.

It’s nice though because I can feel that I’m maturing a lot…but it’s also comforting because I know I will still always be a huge dork at heart.  I never want to lose my sense of humor because I do love that about myself, as strange as I may be sometimes.  I used to be such a talker but right now at this point in my life, I am sitting back and carefully observing everything…taking it all in.  And thinking about all of it.  Because there is a lot going on around me right now that I need to think about.  A lot going on in this little head of mine.  Will post more soon…. but these are my thoughts at this very moment.

three a.m.

It’s three a.m. right now and I am wide awake.  I cannot believe how long it has been since I last posted on here.  My life has changed drastically since April.  I’m sitting in my dorm in Dallas, TX…struggling to finish writing five songs for my school.  A year ago if someone told me I would be living in Dallas, I would just look at them like they were crazy.  Texas was never even a thought in my mind.  I had never even heard of Christ for the Nations Institute.  And yet here I am, sitting in my room at 3 in the morning.

I had written previously about living a life of determination, well I lived it out this summer.  Somehow I earned enough money to make it out here.  No clue how, it’s only because of God.  When I stop to think about it, I cannot believe I’m here.  It all feels so surreal.  I finally made it out of South Carolina, it’s so weird to think about.  I really miss my family…and my dogs…and my friends…and of course the beach.  And if I’m being honest, many times I just don’t understand what I’m doing here.  But I know God has called me here for a reason, for a purpose.  I don’t feel good enough to be here but I have to trust in what He has put in front of me.  I worry about my family constantly, but I am praying protection over them…I know God will take care of them.

Anyway, I was fortunate to be able to chaperone for our youth summer camp again this year, and the first night we were there the speaker was talking about God and control.  He said, “If I can control something in my life, it’s probably not what God wants for me.”  What an incredible thought.  My life is so much OUT of my control right now, more so than it ever has been.  I’m just kind of moving along as God takes me down these paths that I never thought I’d be walking down.  But I am trusting Him and moving along, I desperately need to increase my pace though.  I’m just so uncertain at this point, sometimes I just want to look up at God and say, “Okay, I already moved halfway across the country to a place I’ve never been to go to a school I don’t know much about; where I don’t really know anyone or have any family…can we slow this whole leap-of-faith thing down a bit?”  But He keeps taking me farther and it’s a little scary if I’m being honest.  Not a bad scary, though;  just more of an uncertainty.  Still, I trust that He knows where He is taking me.  Through all of these drastic changes, I have had a sense of peace around me. God is drawing me nearer and nearer to Him, and it’s strange but also wonderful.  He is revealing Himself to me in so many different ways.  He is sharing His heart with me… but my weak and puny human heart cannot handle it.

The other day, I was unlocking the door that leads into our building complex (dorms, whatever it’s called).  I noticed a girl was a few yards behind me, so I waited a few more seconds to hold the door open for her.  I guess I felt like doing something nice for someone.  She was on her phone, but she made eye contact with me; so she recognized I had gone out of my way to wait for her.  Yet she just walked right on by.  No “thank you” or any acknowledgment at all!  Well immediately my mind started to think, “Well that was rude! And we’re at a Christian school!  She could have at least waved or smiled or something, I did something nice for her!”  And just as quickly as I started thinking these things, a new thought suddenly entered my mind…God telling me, “This is how I feel every day.”  How many times does He do things for us throughout the day, just because He wants to see us smile.  He wants us to look up at Him and say, “Thank You!”  Yet we just walk right on by, without even acknowledging Him.  Man that messed me up!  I don’t want God to feel that way, yet He does….times a couple billion….every single day.  My heart has just been so heavy lately with the things I am realizing.

But still, learning the heart of God is a beautiful thing!  And knowing that you are where He wants you to be, even if you can’t realize it, is pretty incredible.  I know He wants me here because there is no logical reasoning behind it!  There is no way I would be here on my own desire or by my own power.

Oh man, and that’s not even half of it.  There is so much more…but I will wait for another time.  After all I have those songs to get back to…

p.s. Songs are much easier for me to write when I don’t have to write them.  Make sense?

Awakening in Wales

I have been back from Wales for a week now, but it feels as though it has been much longer than a week.  I wish I could have stayed so much longer, but God’s plan and timing are both perfect so I have to trust that.  This year was vastly different from our last trip to Wales.  Last year, the focus was primarily on outreach and we saw many salvations.  This year, we went thinking we were going to see the same thing; going to the parks and getting a lot of the Welsh youth to come to our youth nights.  However, we had the weather working against us this year.  The cold and rain forced us to stay inside, and the youth just did not come out as much.  We got youth to come; but as much as we tried to get them to come back another day, they just would not.  I got frustrated, and one night after much prayer and just talking to God I realized that His plan was different from ours.

Though we had been caught up looking for the youth to come and get saved, He would rather us focus on growing and discipling the youth who had already made decisions.  I realized that is what we had been doing all week anyway; we had come with planned devotions and small group studies and so we were really able to pour into the core youth.  I realized that this needs to be our primary focus anyway; growing the Welsh youth.  Because it doesn’t matter what we do as Americans, because at the end of the week we are going to leave.  The rest of the work is going to fall on their shoulders.  Whether or not this youth group is going to grow and change is going to depend on what they do.  If they go out there and do the same things we did, they could rock that town.  It may be hard and it may take time, but if they just stick with it they will plant seeds and see God do some amazing things.

The nation of Wales itself needs an awakening.  They need hope.  One of the teens I spoke to talked to me about how she needed to quit smoking.  I told her to go for it, but she said, “I can’t.  Everybody smokes, that’s just the way it is over here.”  This seems to be the attitude of most of the Welsh.  I brought this up in the last meeting, that if the youth just believed in themselves and quit underestimating their potential they could really rock this town for God.  One of the adults told me, “But that’s the general attitude of the Welsh.  We have been defeated so many times, that we just have this natural feeling of defeat.”  This really broke my heart.  That all of the teenagers…they just all smoke and drink…and just automatically believe that even if they graduated from school they will probably have to live off their welfare.  They need hope, restoration…

But I know God has a plan!  I can already see small hints of God’s plan.  Five of the students over in Wales are flying over here to come to summer camp with our church this summer.  This is going to be amazing and such an incredible experience for all of them.  Just for them to come to camp and really take it all in…see different American youth groups…see what true congregational worship is…hear some amazing messages from the speakers.  It’s going to all be great, and I know this is going to really grow these youth and hopefully bring them closer so they can lean on each other.

God has a plan, I always think back to the Steven Curtis Chapman songs, “Yours.”  He reminds us that all the people in the world are His…and God can take care of them better than we ever could.  I have such a problem with control and I just want to take matters into my own hands…do everything I can to get the teenagers to come…to make sure they get saved.  But it’s not me.  It’s God’s work and God’s doing.  Sometimes He chooses to use us in small instances…and we get small glimpses of His glory.  Of who He is because for a moment He is working through us.  But at the same time, we don’t always get to see the growth of the seeds we plant.  Nevertheless, the teenagers in Wales are God’s children.  He has a plan for them.

On the way to Wales this year…I read a few things by Beth Moore (who by the way is my favorite right now).  She talked about asking God to “show off” to her…just in everything she sees.  So I started to pray that…for God to show off His glory to me.  Last year, the last night we spent in Wales, God painted a beautiful sunset in the sky.  I never cease to be amazed at His glory revealed to us through His creation.  This year, our last night there God decided to paint a double rainbow for us.  It only lasted a few minutes, and you can barely see the top one…but man it was beautiful.  I sometimes get so frustrated with life because I so badly wish I could capture the beauty of nature with my camera so I can always hold onto it, but I just never can because pictures just don’t do it justice.  The bottom rainbow was so bright…it was almost as if God had just dipped his paintbrush and drew it across the sky.

Double Rainbow in Wales

I had never seen anything so beautiful.  It reminded me of when God painted the first rainbow in the sky for Noah, to represent His promise for the people.  I believe God was promising us something that night, that He had a plan for this nation.  An incredible plan that is probably greater than anything I could imagine!

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

My Epiphany

I wrote this blog three years ago, and, once again…I wanted to post it on here because it’s actually a big part of my testimony.  This time in my life is probably when I grew the most in a short amount of time.

Over this past year, there has been a constant storm going on inside of me. I had been in a serious relationship (yes, I know…) and I had to end it. Of course it ended very badly, and while I was over the person I wasn’t over the situation. It still hurt deeply to look back. It’s so hard to watch something you held so close just deteriorate before your eyes, and feel completely helpless. I tried so hard to fix a shattered relationship and all it did was make things worse. I just wanted him to understand how he hurt me and why I did what I did, but no matter how hard I tried to beat it into his head, he just couldn’t.

There comes a time when we have to stop seeing people for who we want them to be, and start seeing them for who they really are. We can’t make someone understand, we can’t make someone care. We have choices to make, and sometimes that choice is having to let somebody go. So you have to choose a path you don’t necessarily want to take, but it’s the path God is calling you down. Sometimes those choices hurt people, and no matter how hard you try you will look like the bad guy, because the other person just won’t understand why you did it. And that’s just something you have to deal with. You can’t always make everyone happy. God calls you to do something, and it is for the best, even if it doesn’t seem that way at the time. It may hurt for awhile but God sees the bigger picture, so while you may know what you want…God knows what you NEED, and only He can truly guide you.

I also learned that I have been hurt a lot by people in the past, and I have been letting that hold me back from having real relationships with other people. I’ve realized that I don’t want to be that way anymore. I had been knocked down on the ground and for too long I just lay there, fully capable of standing back up but choosing not to. The whole time I thought I was afraid of standing up because I thought I was just going to get knocked over again, but that wasn’t it. I was in a hole, so deeply rooted in my pain and heartache and I didn’t want to be pulled out because after so long I was comfortable there. I think that’s the problem with many people. We prefer staying sad because we just don’t want to get over some things, all for different reasons. There were times when I tried to climb out of the hole myself, but of course I was unsuccessful because I’m just not strong enough. I remember thinking to myself so often “You’re such a failure, you’re not strong. You can’t do this.” And I truly believed that. I was a failure. I moped around feeling sorry for myself for months. Even when I finally got over him, the heartache over the whole situation remained.

The truth is, my heart was shattered, and God had been standing there the whole time with his hands open, waiting for me to hand it over to Him so He could make it new again. Make it His. But I just wouldn’t. I couldn’t, no matter how much I wanted to. I prayed but of course nothing happened because no matter how hard I prayed, deep down I wasn’t willing to let go. God was speaking to me but I was so wrapped up in myself I wasn’t hearing Him. Over the next year I grew closer to God, and slowly started to let it go, very slowly. But I was still not free from this because part of me was still holding onto the sorrow. I think I was afraid to be happy, I don’t know why though. I found happiness in Christ, of course, but no matter how happy I was there was still this deep sorrow in my heart.

I slowly became more aware of my flaws, of the pain I wouldn’t let go of. I thought about it a lot, prayed about it, I read “Captivating”, and it was amazing and taught me so much about letting go of pain, but I was still unable to apply it. My heart was still not free. Tuesday night I was sitting in Bible study, listening to the lecture. I should have been paying attention but thoughts just started swirling around my head. I thought about how pitiful I had been, still holding on to this heartache and letting that control my life. Letting that dictate how I viewed people. Not trusting anyone and not letting anyone in because of it. And I randomly just decided…I’m not gonna live this way anymore. I don’t want to hold this in, I want to let go…so finally…I did. I don’t want to be the girl with a lot of issues, I want to be better than the worst thing that ever happened to me. I am ready to move on to the wonderful things I know God has planned for me. Those walls that were so firmly intact around me are now slowly being taken down. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I realized that we can’t get over some things because there is something inside of us not letting them go. And as long as our hands are full, holding on to certain things in our life, our hands aren’t free and open for God to hand us over newer, better things. We can either choose to let go and receive the blessings God is waiting to give us, or we can hold on dearly to something that is no longer there. Either way, the choice is ours. It took me about a year, but I know God was waiting until I was ready.

And now I can finally say with full confidence that my heart is free. It’s in God’s hands and from now on I will trust Him and let Him decide who comes in. And also I have learned that I’m not strong, and that’s okay. God doesn’t call us to be strong, He calls us to draw on Him for the strength we so desperately need. I know all this doesn’t mean that my life will be pain free, pain is necessary because it helps us grow; and God knows I still have much growing to do. I know there will always be storms ahead, that’s just how life is, but as for now the storm going on inside of me for so long has cleared, and I am soaking up the sunlight, finally.

“I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free” – Psalm 119:32

Determination

I wrote this two years ago and posted it on my facebook, but I love the lesson behind it so wanted to re-post it here on my blog, yo.

So I downloaded a sermon by Erwin McManus, and it was called “Determination”, and it was exactly what I needed to hear at the moment. He talked about how important determination and perseverance are in our lives and our faith. Sometimes we tend to rely on Jesus too much, and we just trust that he will work it all out for us, rather than taking the initiative to pursue things ourselves. Jesus endured the cross “for the joy set before him.” His determination changed the course of history. If we don’t take from his example and live a life of determination, we will end up living a life of incident; choosing to be the feather in the wind, and just letting life happen to us rather than making it happen. There are so many things in life we can’t control, but what can we control? What can we pursue? We have control over the person we choose to become. How do I determine the person I choose to become? He said, “You can choose to be defined by the worst moment in your life, or you can choose to be defined by your highest ideal of who you become in your life.” Sometimes we define ourselves by the worst moments in our lives, and all we look at is everything we’ve done wrong. If you live a life of determination, you will be defined by the person you are pursuing instead of the mistake you made in your past.
The moment you really “fix your eyes on Jesus,” you change your value system. You start seeing your life from God’s vantage point and realize that life isn’t supposed to be about yourself, it’s supposed to be a gift to others. There’s a difference between being stubborn and being determined; stubborn is about being what you won’t do, and determination is about being what you must do. How many of us live our lives by everything we are against instead of everything we are for? “Determination is a refusal to give up on an ideal that inspires and motivates your life even if we never achieve it because it changes you in the pursuit.”
If we keep our eyes on the end goal it gives us the capacity to overcome the obstacles that are in front of us. Sometimes life is like a race, and we won’t always win. But it’s not about beating out the person next to you, it’s about overcoming the obstacles. And sometimes it’s not easy, and it’s not all laid out in front of us. But we must set our sights on a point that will never change, that will never move. And that’s Jesus, who is the only constant in a world that is ever-changing.

I realize that I have been living my life as a feather in the wind, telling God to just blow me wherever and I’ll be cool as long as it is what he wants. I have been so desperate to live inside the will of God, that I have just been letting life happen to me rather than making life happen. And I was confused, because I just am not sure where to draw the line between letting God be in control, and taking action myself. I was afraid that by taking action I would be acting outside of God’s will, and I didn’t want that. I can’t just throw it all up in the air and say “Hey God, work this out for me and then tell me what to do next, k thanks!” I have to take initiative and do things myself. But the thing is I just don’t know if I trust my judgment anymore. For too long I have tricked myself into believing some things were from God, just to have it fall apart before my eyes. I am just scared to go after something just to get my hopes up, to once again end up feeling like a fool. So I figured that life should be like that song and I need to let Jesus take the wheel. But maybe Jesus isn’t supposed to be in the driver’s seat. Maybe we’re the ones supposed to be there, and Jesus is supposed to sit next to us and be our navigator, our road map. Sometimes we listen to Him and go where he tell us, sometimes we choose to go our own way. But we can’t expect him to just do everything for us and take us where we need to be. God is not our chauffeur, He can tell us where we need to go, but it is up to us to take the initiative to get there and make it happen for ourselves. Sometimes when we veer too far from the path, He will step in and take control, but for the most part I think it’s all up to us.

Maybe that’s where I’ve been going wrong. I’ve just been going with the flow of life, and whatever happens, happens. If it’s what I wanted, great; if not, then I’ll just deal and get over it eventually. But this isn’t a healthy way to live, because it is disheartening and has brought me so much disappointment. I’m not sure how God wants me to apply this directly to my life and specific situations at the moment, seeing as how I just listened to this sermon a few hours ago, but it is definitely something I am going to work on. These things take time, though, but it was very encouraging to hear this because it is a topic that has been on my mind recently. I’m not sure if this makes any sense to people reading, but it all makes perfect sense in my head

___________________________________________________

It’s so funny to read that two years later.  I admitted near the end that although God had sent me this revelation, I was not sure how to apply it to my life yet.  I feel as though right now I am able to actually apply this truth to my life.  God gave me clear vision of what His plan was for my life and where I needed to go….but instead of just saying, “Great God!  Can’t wait until You take me there,” I am actually doing the hard work to make it happen!  And for once I feel like I am getting somewhere.  So just wanted to write a short follow-up to this because I still seemed so confused about what this really meant to me; but God always sheds light on things in our lives when we are ready to see them.

<3

Am I Really About to Leave?

So here I am blogging while I probably should be packing.  But I have a lot going through my head right now.  Not even sure if I can get it all out right away.  I will try, though.  I am going to give a few updates, and for some reason I love numbering things off…so…

1.  WALES WALES WALES!  I am leaving for Wales this Saturday.  This is actually something I have to keep reminding myself of.  Weird, huh, you’d think I would constantly be thinking about it but it really has not sunk in.  I don’t know if it’s because all my days just seem to run together now or what.  I guess I am so unsure of what to expect, so I can honestly say I am going into this with ZERO expectations as of right now.  Which for me is probably a good thing.  Too often I go into situations with way too many expectations.  And this is also odd because I went last year, so you would think I would be thinking about it but I am not.  I guess part of me is worried what to expect.  What’s going to happen when we show up and the kids I thought for sure would come out and hang with us, don’t.  To find all the youth that got saved last year in the same boat they were before…  I just don’t know what to think.  Therefore I am going with no expectations or preconceptions, just gonna let God do what He wants to do and watch.  Pray that He will use me in some way, big or small, I don’t know.  It’s all about Him anyway.  Anything I do of any significance or any piece of wisdom I have is only given to me by the Holy Spirit.  None of it is mine.  Something I am learning in BSF this year.  I only learn from the Bible whatever the Spirit chooses to reveal to me.

I remember Francis Chan talking about this at Passion ’08.  He talked about how when people give us compliments about what we say or do…we should not say “Thank You, that was smart wasn’t it?”  We need to always be pointing at God, making sure EVERYONE knows what we did…was not US.  It was not our own words or by our own power.  It was only because for a moment God chose to reveal something through us.  He didn’t have to, but He did.  And we need to recognize that and not pat our selves on the back saying, “Hey Brett! That was good!”  Too often I find myself doing this.  I find myself thinking thoughts like “Wow Brett! I can’t believe you just pulled that off!” (Yes apparently I think in third person).  But then I have to correct myself, “It wasn’t me!!! It was God!”  We are completely and utterly hopeless and useless without Him.

I always set out here to blog about one thing and end up talking about something else.

2.  I was going to write more things but I decided not to.  I still wanted another # though.

<3 B