three a.m.

It’s three a.m. right now and I am wide awake.  I cannot believe how long it has been since I last posted on here.  My life has changed drastically since April.  I’m sitting in my dorm in Dallas, TX…struggling to finish writing five songs for my school.  A year ago if someone told me I would be living in Dallas, I would just look at them like they were crazy.  Texas was never even a thought in my mind.  I had never even heard of Christ for the Nations Institute.  And yet here I am, sitting in my room at 3 in the morning.

I had written previously about living a life of determination, well I lived it out this summer.  Somehow I earned enough money to make it out here.  No clue how, it’s only because of God.  When I stop to think about it, I cannot believe I’m here.  It all feels so surreal.  I finally made it out of South Carolina, it’s so weird to think about.  I really miss my family…and my dogs…and my friends…and of course the beach.  And if I’m being honest, many times I just don’t understand what I’m doing here.  But I know God has called me here for a reason, for a purpose.  I don’t feel good enough to be here but I have to trust in what He has put in front of me.  I worry about my family constantly, but I am praying protection over them…I know God will take care of them.

Anyway, I was fortunate to be able to chaperone for our youth summer camp again this year, and the first night we were there the speaker was talking about God and control.  He said, “If I can control something in my life, it’s probably not what God wants for me.”  What an incredible thought.  My life is so much OUT of my control right now, more so than it ever has been.  I’m just kind of moving along as God takes me down these paths that I never thought I’d be walking down.  But I am trusting Him and moving along, I desperately need to increase my pace though.  I’m just so uncertain at this point, sometimes I just want to look up at God and say, “Okay, I already moved halfway across the country to a place I’ve never been to go to a school I don’t know much about; where I don’t really know anyone or have any family…can we slow this whole leap-of-faith thing down a bit?”  But He keeps taking me farther and it’s a little scary if I’m being honest.  Not a bad scary, though;  just more of an uncertainty.  Still, I trust that He knows where He is taking me.  Through all of these drastic changes, I have had a sense of peace around me. God is drawing me nearer and nearer to Him, and it’s strange but also wonderful.  He is revealing Himself to me in so many different ways.  He is sharing His heart with me… but my weak and puny human heart cannot handle it.

The other day, I was unlocking the door that leads into our building complex (dorms, whatever it’s called).  I noticed a girl was a few yards behind me, so I waited a few more seconds to hold the door open for her.  I guess I felt like doing something nice for someone.  She was on her phone, but she made eye contact with me; so she recognized I had gone out of my way to wait for her.  Yet she just walked right on by.  No “thank you” or any acknowledgment at all!  Well immediately my mind started to think, “Well that was rude! And we’re at a Christian school!  She could have at least waved or smiled or something, I did something nice for her!”  And just as quickly as I started thinking these things, a new thought suddenly entered my mind…God telling me, “This is how I feel every day.”  How many times does He do things for us throughout the day, just because He wants to see us smile.  He wants us to look up at Him and say, “Thank You!”  Yet we just walk right on by, without even acknowledging Him.  Man that messed me up!  I don’t want God to feel that way, yet He does….times a couple billion….every single day.  My heart has just been so heavy lately with the things I am realizing.

But still, learning the heart of God is a beautiful thing!  And knowing that you are where He wants you to be, even if you can’t realize it, is pretty incredible.  I know He wants me here because there is no logical reasoning behind it!  There is no way I would be here on my own desire or by my own power.

Oh man, and that’s not even half of it.  There is so much more…but I will wait for another time.  After all I have those songs to get back to…

p.s. Songs are much easier for me to write when I don’t have to write them.  Make sense?

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