Sometimes it’s just too much. God’s love…mercy, grace, compassion, forgiveness, provision, is just all too much. I just feel so undeserving of it all. Even just to be a passing thought in His mind would be too much. What does He see in me? It just boggles my mind. I just always struggle with not ever being enough; not being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, blah blah. What if what I do just isn’t enough? Why does He even bother with me?
The brokenness in this world, the hurt, pain, hopelessness, lost….that is all too much as well. We always ask for God to break our hearts for the things that break His, but I just don’t believe our hearts can handle the true brokenness that God feels everyday. The little bit of burden He reveals to me is too much for my heart to handle. I think He gives us just enough to light a fire under our butts and realize that there is so much more we can be doing and saying. There’s always so much more.
I know all the Sunday School answers…God loves me and made me and no matter what He will never leave. But just really thinking about that is so crazy.
I feel like lately I’ve become very rough around the edges. Like…instead of this nice pretty packaged version of me I’ve had all my life…now I’ve just become raw. But I do feel like if people want to hear what I think I will tell them but I have never been one to force myself on people. I think God is like that…He is a gentleman. He never forces Himself on anyone, but He always stands there trying to do little things here and there for people who ignore Him. Still trying to help out a world that refuses to acknowledge His existence. He is like a parent who warns us, but still allows us to make our own choices even though we will eventually see He was right all along.
It’s nice though because I can feel that I’m maturing a lot…but it’s also comforting because I know I will still always be a huge dork at heart. I never want to lose my sense of humor because I do love that about myself, as strange as I may be sometimes. I used to be such a talker but right now at this point in my life, I am sitting back and carefully observing everything…taking it all in. And thinking about all of it. Because there is a lot going on around me right now that I need to think about. A lot going on in this little head of mine. Will post more soon…. but these are my thoughts at this very moment.
