One thing I love about Christmas-time, is coming home! Since I’ve been out in Texas, home visits are far and few between. So whenever I get to come home, I cherish the time I get to spend with my family. Since I’m grown up now and on my own, I’m trying to go through old items and figuring out what I can give away. The other day I was rummaging through old items and came across an old journal. I always bought new journals, even when I didn’t finish writing in the ones I already had. So I always find so many in my room; and it’s fun to read through and be reminded of my past experiences and how far I have come since then. I don’t just write them as regular journal entries, I write them out as prayers to God. One journal entry in particular stuck out to me; I had written it 3 ½ years ago, but know it was something I have struggled with probably since high school. The feeling of never quite being “good enough.” This has been a weakness of mine for as long as I can remember; and I would often use it as a lame excuse to not go after things. I would always think in my head, “there is always going to be someone much better than me.” And of course there is, but that is no reason to not go after things; but it has always been in the back of my mind. Anyway, reading through that entry really hurt my heart. Three and a half years (more, actually) later and I am still struggling with this. Why had God not answered my prayers? Was there something I was still doing wrong? Was there something I needed to let go of? It bothered me.
Today I had met up with LaDonna, an amazing woman of God I have been close with the last few years. It helps me when I talk with another Christian about the things on my mind; I find God always brings me clarity and perspective to get other people’s opinions. So we talked about different things, and I brought up this struggle of mine to her. I explained how I’ve always struggled with not feeling “good enough.” And she just looked at me and said, “Well of course you’re not supposed to feel good enough.” She explained that none of us are supposed to ever feel good enough, that’s why when God uses us it’s all the more powerful. All these years and I had never realized that; I was so desperate for God to deliver me from this feeling and never thought about Him choosing instead to work through my weakness. Immediately, I remembered one of my favorite scriptures in 2 Corinthians.
7 And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. 8 Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. 9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (New King James Version)
Paul had a weakness and prayed three times for God to take away; and God said no! He wanted to use his weaknesses! How beautiful is that; because in our weaknesses, His power shines through. If we know that we are good enough and can accomplish things on our own; what does that tell anyone? It brings all the glory to us and becomes prideful; But when we are weak and God STILL uses us, it sends a message. It proves to people that God is on our side; because there is no possible way we could have done this on our own. So instead of praying for God to take away our weaknesses, we need to ask God to USE them for His glory. What a beautiful revelation!
This was so big on my heart I had to come and share it. I do not want my weaknesses and fears to keep me from all the big plans God has for me anymore. There is a certain word that has been sticking out to me lately, “Fearless.” I almost wanted to get a tattoo of it on my wrist just so I can always have a reminder to not be afraid; “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1:7 (ESV). The other day I was out for after-Christmas shopping with my mom, and I saw this bracelet in Belk. Right away, I knew God wanted me to have that.
So yes, this will be my word for 2012. This will be perfect because I know it will be an exciting year for me; God is calling me to be bold and step up in many areas of my life. So I am excited! Bring it on, God, I’m ready!
