My Epiphany

I wrote this blog three years ago, and, once again…I wanted to post it on here because it’s actually a big part of my testimony.  This time in my life is probably when I grew the most in a short amount of time.

Over this past year, there has been a constant storm going on inside of me. I had been in a serious relationship (yes, I know…) and I had to end it. Of course it ended very badly, and while I was over the person I wasn’t over the situation. It still hurt deeply to look back. It’s so hard to watch something you held so close just deteriorate before your eyes, and feel completely helpless. I tried so hard to fix a shattered relationship and all it did was make things worse. I just wanted him to understand how he hurt me and why I did what I did, but no matter how hard I tried to beat it into his head, he just couldn’t.

There comes a time when we have to stop seeing people for who we want them to be, and start seeing them for who they really are. We can’t make someone understand, we can’t make someone care. We have choices to make, and sometimes that choice is having to let somebody go. So you have to choose a path you don’t necessarily want to take, but it’s the path God is calling you down. Sometimes those choices hurt people, and no matter how hard you try you will look like the bad guy, because the other person just won’t understand why you did it. And that’s just something you have to deal with. You can’t always make everyone happy. God calls you to do something, and it is for the best, even if it doesn’t seem that way at the time. It may hurt for awhile but God sees the bigger picture, so while you may know what you want…God knows what you NEED, and only He can truly guide you.

I also learned that I have been hurt a lot by people in the past, and I have been letting that hold me back from having real relationships with other people. I’ve realized that I don’t want to be that way anymore. I had been knocked down on the ground and for too long I just lay there, fully capable of standing back up but choosing not to. The whole time I thought I was afraid of standing up because I thought I was just going to get knocked over again, but that wasn’t it. I was in a hole, so deeply rooted in my pain and heartache and I didn’t want to be pulled out because after so long I was comfortable there. I think that’s the problem with many people. We prefer staying sad because we just don’t want to get over some things, all for different reasons. There were times when I tried to climb out of the hole myself, but of course I was unsuccessful because I’m just not strong enough. I remember thinking to myself so often “You’re such a failure, you’re not strong. You can’t do this.” And I truly believed that. I was a failure. I moped around feeling sorry for myself for months. Even when I finally got over him, the heartache over the whole situation remained.

The truth is, my heart was shattered, and God had been standing there the whole time with his hands open, waiting for me to hand it over to Him so He could make it new again. Make it His. But I just wouldn’t. I couldn’t, no matter how much I wanted to. I prayed but of course nothing happened because no matter how hard I prayed, deep down I wasn’t willing to let go. God was speaking to me but I was so wrapped up in myself I wasn’t hearing Him. Over the next year I grew closer to God, and slowly started to let it go, very slowly. But I was still not free from this because part of me was still holding onto the sorrow. I think I was afraid to be happy, I don’t know why though. I found happiness in Christ, of course, but no matter how happy I was there was still this deep sorrow in my heart.

I slowly became more aware of my flaws, of the pain I wouldn’t let go of. I thought about it a lot, prayed about it, I read “Captivating”, and it was amazing and taught me so much about letting go of pain, but I was still unable to apply it. My heart was still not free. Tuesday night I was sitting in Bible study, listening to the lecture. I should have been paying attention but thoughts just started swirling around my head. I thought about how pitiful I had been, still holding on to this heartache and letting that control my life. Letting that dictate how I viewed people. Not trusting anyone and not letting anyone in because of it. And I randomly just decided…I’m not gonna live this way anymore. I don’t want to hold this in, I want to let go…so finally…I did. I don’t want to be the girl with a lot of issues, I want to be better than the worst thing that ever happened to me. I am ready to move on to the wonderful things I know God has planned for me. Those walls that were so firmly intact around me are now slowly being taken down. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I realized that we can’t get over some things because there is something inside of us not letting them go. And as long as our hands are full, holding on to certain things in our life, our hands aren’t free and open for God to hand us over newer, better things. We can either choose to let go and receive the blessings God is waiting to give us, or we can hold on dearly to something that is no longer there. Either way, the choice is ours. It took me about a year, but I know God was waiting until I was ready.

And now I can finally say with full confidence that my heart is free. It’s in God’s hands and from now on I will trust Him and let Him decide who comes in. And also I have learned that I’m not strong, and that’s okay. God doesn’t call us to be strong, He calls us to draw on Him for the strength we so desperately need. I know all this doesn’t mean that my life will be pain free, pain is necessary because it helps us grow; and God knows I still have much growing to do. I know there will always be storms ahead, that’s just how life is, but as for now the storm going on inside of me for so long has cleared, and I am soaking up the sunlight, finally.

“I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free” – Psalm 119:32

The Solution

I was listening to this song and really started thinking about the words… so I just wanted to post them on here because I feel they are so powerful.

Solution by Hillsong United
It is not a human right to stare, not fight
While broken nations dream
Open up our eyes, so blind that we might find
The Mercy for the need

Singing, Hey now
Fill our hearts with Your compassion
Hey now, As we hold to our confession

It is not too far a cry, too much to try
To help the least of these
Politics will not decide, if we should rise
And be Your hands and feet

Singing, Hey now
Fill our hearts with your compassion
Hey Now, As we hold to our confession

God be the solution
We will be Your hands and be Your feet.

Higher than a circumstance, Your promise stands
Your love for all to see
Higher than protest line and dollar signs
Your love is all we need

Only You can mend the broken heart
And cause the blind to see
Erase complete the sinners past
And set the captives free
Only You can take the widows cry
And cause her heart to sing
Be a Father to the fatherless
Our Savior and our King
We will be Your hands, we will be Your feet
We will run this race
On the darkest place, we will be Your light
We will be Your light

Brokenness Over Disobedience

So back in June, I decided to try the reading the Bible in 30 days challenge…that lasted about two days.  But it was great for me to do because it got me started in reading the Bible the whole way through; not necessarily in 30 days though but on my own time so I can make sure I fully understood what I was reading.  Anyway, I got to Ezra the other day and something that really touched me was Ezra 9:10-10:6.  Ezra was working to rebuild the Temple of God after King Nebuchadnezzar destroyed it and tore down the walls of Jerusalem in 2 Chronicles 36.  Ezra learned from Jewish leaders that the people of Israel had disobeyed God and intermarried and taken up the practices of the people living in the land; people who were not of God.  When Ezra learned of this, he became a broken man.

9¹⁰ “But now, O our God, what can we say after this? For we have disregarded the commands ¹¹ you gave through your servants the prophets when you said: ‘The land you are entering to possess is a land polluted by the corruption of its peoples. By their detestable practices they have filled it with their impurity from one end to the other. ¹² Therefore, do not give your daughters in marriage to their sons or take their daughters for your sons. Do not seek a treaty of friendship with them at any time, that you may be strong and eat the good things of the land and leave it to your children as an everlasting inheritance.’

¹³ “What has happened to us is a result of our evil deeds and our great guilt, and yet, our God, you have punished us less than our sins have deserved and have given us a remnant like this. ¹⁴ Shall we again break your commands and intermarry with the peoples who commit such detestable practices? Would you not be angry enough with us to destroy us, leaving us no remnant or survivor? ¹⁵ O LORD, God of Israel, you are righteous! We are left this day as a remnant. Here we are before you in our guilt, though because of it not one of us can stand in your presence.”

10¹ While Ezra was praying and confessing, weeping and throwing himself down before the house of God, a large crowd of Israelites—men, women and children—gathered around him. They too wept bitterly. ² Then Shecaniah son of Jehiel, one of the descendants of Elam, said to Ezra, “We have been unfaithful to our God by marrying foreign women from the peoples around us. But in spite of this, there is still hope for Israel. ³ Now let us make a covenant before our God to send away all these women and their children, in accordance with the counsel of my lord and of those who fear the commands of our God. Let it be done according to the Law. ⁴ Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it.”

⁵ So Ezra rose up and put the leading priests and Levites and all Israel under oath to do what had been suggested. And they took the oath. ⁶ Then Ezra withdrew from before the house of God and went to the room of Jehohanan son of Eliashib. While he was there, he ate no food and drank no water, because he continued to mourn over the unfaithfulness of the exiles.

There are several points that came to my mind as I read this.

1.  Ezra was completely broken over the sins committed by God’s chosen people. Though he had not committed the sin himself, just the mere fact that God’s chosen people had turned their backs on His laws broke the man.  He was ashamed as though he himself had sinned against God.  He took it upon himself to pray, fast, mourn, and right what had been wronged.   And in 10:1, the people realized their sins after seeing their leader torn over them; so they followed his actions by weeping bitterly with him before the Lord.  They saw their sin through his brokenness.  Ezra didn’t need to rebuke them, or act all high and mighty to them because they sinned and he didn’t.  He simply fell apart at the feet of God and his brokenness broke the people of Israel.

How often are we truly broken when we see God’s people sinning against Him?  I realized I need that kind of compassion for others; they did not need a finger pointed at them, they simply needed someone to weep and pray over their souls.

2. The response from the people who had sinned. The people responded to Ezra’s confession by:

1. Showed brokenness over their disobedience (10:1) Do we get truly broken when we realize we have sinned against God?  So broken and ashamed that we throw ourselves on the ground and weep in His presence?  Or do we just nonchalantly apologize to God, wondering why He even expects anything from us since we are not perfect anyway?
2. Admitted their sin (10:2) They admitted that not only they had messed up, but said they were “unfaithful to God.”  They understood that sinning was an action against God.  They did not make excuses, did not defend themselves, they simply confessed the state of their hearts.
3. Believed there was still hope for them, that they would not give up (10:2) Too often we do not have faith in God to restore and fix us when we mess up.  We show little faith in Him, even though He  has MORE than proven His power to us.  They did not deny God’s power, yet also understood they had work to do on their part to fix this even though they later pointed out how deep in sin they were (10:13); they knew there was no sin too big for God to forgive.
4. Immediately made a covenant with God to leave their sin (10:3) They promised God they would divorce their pagan wives and send them away.  They knew they must send them off and not risk the opportunity for the situation to present itself again.
5. Promised to follow the advice of the elders who respect the commands of God (10:3) They understood the importance of listening and following wise and godly counsel and establishing accountability.
6. Followed through with their promise by relying on godly leaders (Ezra) to tell them what steps to take next (10:4) They not only made a promise to follow a godly leader, but immediately told Ezra to tell them what to do.  They were so eager to get right with God they wanted Ezra to help them immediately, not just later on.
7. Understood the extent of their sin (10:13) – The people knew the problem was too big to fix in a day, that they must work and set a plan to truly repent and not fall back into it.  This showed they wanted to ensure that this change would be sincere and lasting, and not just be a short-term temporary feeling of emotion caused at the sight of their torn leader.
8. They finished the plan (10:17) The book of Ezra points out that not only did they set a plan, they FINISHED it.  The elder leaders finished dealing with ALL of the men who had married pagan wives.

Look at that!  I believe that the people of Israel really demonstrated a model of how to deal with sin.  There are steps we must take and follow through on, and they did just that.  I personally know several areas of my life that God has convicted me on, yet I have not acted to fix those areas.  Reading this really shamed me, I should be completely broken over the parts of my life that are not bringing glory to God!  I need to not just recognize them, but make things right.  One particular way, and I am bringing this up because I feel it does not get talked about enough, is food; God has really convicted me about being careful with what I put into my temple, yet I have not changed my eating habits.  Even the smallest, seemingly harmless of sins…are still SINS.  And sins keep us from growing closer to God, they keep us from receiving His blessings, and they keep us from becoming all God has created us to be.

I think that if we followed this model, made by the Israelites, after God convicts us of sin in our lives; we would see lasting and genuine change of hearts.

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